02
March
March
Wifey is a title.
It’s the title of a barely-cognizant mobile sack of biomass. A repository of carbon compounds being deprived of the opertunity to express usefulness in forms such as diamonds, trees, oil, or spermicidal lube.
This is Wifey.
She told me her age was 19, I believed it. I was drunk… it wasn’t until a few days I realized she was 10 years older than claimed. NOTICE: older, not younger. My defense is inebriation, and possibly stupidity.
- She was telling all the girls in town that we were married, hence the name Wifey.
- I had food poisoning for a few days and she handed me paracetamol, saying it was antibiotics.
- she claimed to be a nursing student, so the above was seeming really retarded.
- she told people we had a daughter in Manila.
- shows up and heads straight to the TV to sing karaoke of Celine Dion…. why the hell do they do this? no-one likes hearing other people belt out Celine Dion in nasally obtuse vocals. No-one even like Celine Dion except the record label holding her contract… and apparently single women in the Philippines.
- She went to get some food…… and comes back with…. oh man… thick baguette rolls with lettuce and mayonnaise. That’s all, lettuce and mayo. Then eats hers and completely fills the bed with crumbs.
- I had to physically kick her out, stuff her shit into a bag, and leave it outside the door while instructing the staff she was persona-non-gratis.
And that was just in Sabang. Now it’s 1.5 yr later and she decided to move here to Boracay and ‘find a job’. Man, I must’ve been drunk when she arrived ’cause I agreed that she could stay with e for a few days until she found a place.
- She tracks sand/dirt into the room, sweeps it up and says I never clean.
- She posses the magical ability of ‘breaking soap’. Not physically breaking it into pieces, but to cause it to stop working and become a soaking wet mass for days on end – after only using it for a few minutes.
- Talks to the TV. No, I mean she actually talks to the people in TV shows. She does this in English, a language she has little mastery of:
- “no, dont go in der!”
- “turn round, turn round!”… (looks at me) “why she go in der?!?!”
- “see? I told she not go der now her child stole”
- “phone ringing, answer it! phone!”
- after a 10 minute gunbattle on Pinoy Prime, she says “he have a gun”
- She belongs to a christian religious cult in Manila and lives on a compound, but doesn’t know what a religious cult is. She thinks its normal that her mother, sister, and herself signed over all the money and property to these people after her father died last year… she lives in a packed room and works selling stuff on street corners or making crap to sell, never getting any money or being allowed to socialize, access internet, have sex, or drink alcohol. But she still doesn’t think this qualifies as a religious cult.
- She didn’t like the steak I cooked and wanted to make “adobo” with the remaining meat – which apparently means boiling it in soy sauce and vinegar. This is the national dish in her opinion – boiling anything in soy sauce and vinegar. ——– It tastes like soy sauce and vinegar with chunks of soy sauce flavored meat. Did I mention the soy?
- She insists on a no-salt diet because of a recent kidney operation: but cooks everything in soy sauce. I tried explaining the irony of this but in her world, the fact that soy sauce is 400% more salty than sea-water doesn’t compute. She also doesn’t recognize that hot sauce has loads of salt and that vinegar is pretty hard on kidneys.
- Took un-clean, poop encrusted eggs and boiled them in soy sauce and vinegar. Do I need to say more?
- She is incapable of eating w/o making a mess. She drops crap on the floor, chair, table, bed – even broke a bottle of Tabasco while I was sleeping and left it to stain the tiles.
- The last time I’ve seen someone messier was a down-syndrome kid my roommate was care-giving 15 years ago.
- Washed dishes still have a film of grease/oil as do her hands which ends up on door knobs.
- She takes table scraps and puts them in a bowl near the sink – which is outside on the balcony – and draws craploads of insects and ants.
- She knocked over a 5 gallon water container – yes, all over the floor. Five (5) gallons of filtered water. On the floor, at once.
- There is a certain way she folds clothing and I’m completely wrong for using another method. She said that – “noooo, that wrong!” (insert nasal sound)
- Her location: didnt know where the Philippines was on a map.
- Used the words: “…If you put a vinegar soon, it will broke a meat…”
awww screw it, I’m tired of thinking about the retarded shit she does.
6 Responses
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i just asked a simple explanation of wifey… not a bible-full of description of loserville humiliation lol…
if the wedding is on april, i’ll book me tickets now… whats the theme of the wedding so i could prepare my outfit… wow!
Mar 4, 2009 at 11:07 AM
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So when is the wedding? I didn’t see that part in your post. Can you make it around April when I am around. I would love to laugh, I mean be there.
Mar 3, 2009 at 3:12 PM -
she was never hired, I was letting her stay with me for a few days until she got her own place. Yes, I kicked her out after I had enough of the stupidity. The other day she came by while I was sleeping, I threw open the door yelling “what the f*ck do you want?!?!” and she walked away pouting. Hopefully, I got the point across.
Mar 2, 2009 at 10:38 PM -
Ah, the path of true love! This is too funny JD!
Mar 19, 2009 at 6:09 PM