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March
March
So the other day, I’m waking from a bout of bad food and 2 days in bed but its 3am – time to drink. Waking up and having no-one to talk to at 3am is all the reason any man ever needed to down a bottle of 2 dollar rum… so I did.
About 3 and a half hours later, it seemed a really good idea to travel to a neighboring island to buy a rat. El Ratta! So… I did that too.
Many people like telling you that traveling around this biatch is easy and to be honest, its not hard – just time consuming and annoying at dealing with people you dont need to deal with to start with. Give a person a starched white shirt with a name tag and the immediate area becomes the personal kingdom of a 4 foot tall brown skinned monarch asking retarded questions like “do you own a house or an apartment in the US” as if thats part of the threat screening process. Gotta be sure to keep those scummy low class apartment dwellers out of our fine 3rd world country.
Three hours later, I’m in Kalibo buying a couple of rats: 1 albino female and 1 black/white male. Sho’nuf…I wasn’t sober enough to realize they were mice. Get all the way back to the jetty port here and I swear to god these people are like hillbilly TSA agents. A guy walks thru with pistol holster sticking out and sets the alarm off, they wand him and it goes off too… they dont check. I get the 3rd degree about a 2.5 inch Gerber pocket knife. They pulled me aside over this! I’m like… people, here’s my residency card. They sell switchblades and gun ammo on Boracay to anyone walking thru the door… what do you expect me to do, hijack a fucking boat and commit illegal circumcisions? I’m not crossing on a seaplane, its a 20 minute boat ferry… and a pocket knife. Go arrest those Filipinos over there for traveling with a pot of fish eyeball soup.. how the hell’d they get that on the plane to start with?
Finally, they realize that a fat white guy with a limp isn’t going to be whittling any holes and sinking the ferry in a random act of terrorism boredom … then again with the questions:
- whats this?
- a couple baby rats
- babies?
- baby rats, el bambino rattas
- you eat?
- yea sure.
- in here? (shakes the box like a kid getting to the last piece of cereal)
- well, i hope so, just run them through the machine
- no, is OK. go ahead.
We catch the “fast boat” of Montenegro lines and lets be clear about one thing… there’s nothing fast about this thing. It’s slow as hell but at least its enclosed, semi-airconditioned, and has comfortable seating; a converted yacht. I had the luxury of joining a boatload of Korean tourists whose female contingent decided to menstruate all at once, the air was thick with it.
Twenty minutes later, I’m finally back home after negotiating my way through the insufferable girls trying to sell rooms and trike rides at Boracay jetty port. Aaaannnnnnnnnnddd…………….BROWN OUT!
Hell yea! I love this shit! Open the box and damnit, the albino mouse is dead. When the jerk-off Caticlan security officer shook the box, he must have squeezed the end and opened the interior flap and the mouse getting tossed about got her neck caught in there… strangled to death. Six hours of travel and one of my two new pets is dead because of an un-intelligent port guard.
4 Responses
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Mice are smarter than local girls, I think they might even get a resto order correct. The trip to Kalibo is much better than it used to be……. but…. theres a trick…. DONT use the airlines transportation. It only cost 97 pesos to get the open liner and it was a nice, clean, open, aircon’d vacant bus liner. (good to see you’re still reading! thanx)
Mar 30, 2011 at 4:03 PM
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Nice rat. I guess. It was funny reading your drunk text messages going over to Kalibo. Did you take the bottle of piss off the bus with you? hahaha…
They are not the brightest people over there doing their fake ass TSA jobs in Caticlan. They make the normal TSA guys look like top notch security guys.
I havent seen one filipino get their luggage searched going into Boracay from Caticlan. It’s simply a show of force to the tourists, but anybody that can read thru the lines, you can see it’s all bullshit.You are right about that fast boat Montenegro being the slowest there. They want that boat filled up before it leaves, thats understandable. But when it takes 30 mins to fill the boat, you can already be there on the normal boats and in a trike by then.
Start a countdown JD, get the hell out of that place. The party is over. The lights are out. It’s boarded up. The ladyboys are out in force. Get on a plane. One way ticket.
Mar 29, 2011 at 7:00 AM-
The conductor took the bottle about halfway through the trip, looked at it like he might drink it later.
There was a bus from the same line preceding ours and it appeared chartered by a Korean airline: those fuckers were packed in there like sardines, smoke rolling out of the door, just a general cluster fuck.
I could flick a booger in any direction and not worry about hitting anyone on my bus (and did so).
Mar 30, 2011 at 4:10 PM
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Hi. First I thought you are dead because you didn’t write anymore for a very long time, maybe an overdose of Tanduay. Wow, make the shit trip to Kalibo in order to buy mice, oh God, no more girls around??? Must be very serious. I hope you will recover
Mar 29, 2011 at 7:07 AM