Homeless Diver

There was this guy that left today….lets call him Lance…mostly because that’s his name.  Well, this happinin’ cool cat spent a good amount of time here for his vacation and decided to throw a going-away party for himself after a month of dutiful service on the island. I found out the night before but everyone else seemed to know about it a week earlier than myself…. I blame the booze.

There was food everywhere. It was on the bar, the table, outside, in the sand when people puked, everywhere. Jesse was fire-dancing drunk again, which made for some good video.  These times are completely off, but they’re in order and thats all you need to know…

• 4pm: Cocolocos, Denis, Daniel, and myself are drinking and thinking about the free-food party later in the night.  Sounds good, but hell, we all started drinking too early. Storm is kicking in.
• 5pm:  Monty is drunk and complaining about ‘if’ and ‘when’ the party’s starting. We assure him they’re already cooking the food, but he insists that ’someone’ told him otherwise.
• 6 pm: Monty’s gone.. passed out is likely.  I’m drunk and eating beef schnitzel at cocolocos.. good salty drunk food.  Forgot about the party.
• 7 pm: cocolocos makes good drinks
• 8 pm: Walk Past Red Pirates, see people gathering…lots of Filipinos….much more than usual for this end of the beach so I stop in.  People gathering for the party–guest of honor not arrived yet.
• 8 pm or so: Lance arrived. We’re all drunk.inside of Red Pirates is packed. Tequila sounds right!
• 8pm: tons of food!   Shitloads!  Fuckin-A Lance… this is great!  I wont list it because…well, it was fucking awsome and you werent there so you lose out!
• 10 pm: inside, outside, garden, and surrounding areas are packed.  Everyone is drunk. They claim to have video of me singing…I hope not.
• 10:15 pm: William, Ryan, every main island singer/performer is here. somewhere.  please damnit—stop ringing the bell! free shots all around. over and over. why is this girl in my pockets…oh yea, thats why. free shots need tequila chasers.
• 11:00pm: Jesse does firedancing with the sticks… drunk as hell.  Tosses a few into the trees and …well, good times.
• 12:00 midnight: storm rages in…. drunks stumble about.  Carla says that her good friend tagged me as the “strange guy”. Great, now I’m a freak stalker and never got to be freaky. Tequila is in order…mucho!
• 12:02 am: Carla tells me that she doesnt remember my telling her that i liked her 4 months back… and says “thats cute”. …………..  hmmm……………………..  ok.  Tequila shot!
• 12:05 am: JD decides to be the “weird guy” stalker he’s already been labeled as
• 01am: something I dont remember, they say i was dancing. Someone has vid and pics.
• 01:? came home, computer.. left again
• 01:? head back to Red Pirates in search of food, theres none there. Jo Jo says theres nothing left but I know he’s full of it. brings me a little plate. Spend the next hour watching this girl try picking up another girl (which is a hot thing to watch) but they’re both too drunk so nothing happens. Bar runs out of tequila and San Mig Light.
• 02:? Blue Mango swimming at the height of the typhoon. Put my camera and 93 pesos and shirt in the dive shop.
• 03:? jeeze, thats some intense swimming and drowning. Lose my house keys, smokes, and sandals.
• 03?: note to self—do not dare the waves to “come on bitch!” when you’re already 2meters deep and the waves are a meter over your head. That shit hurts to get slammed to the ocean bottom in a flat second….and dragged about for another few seconds, on your face.
• 04:? walk back into Red Pirates and see people i dont know. I have shorts on I think. Vangie is macking with a german guy. I tell them all I’ve lost my keys and Vangie somehow knows I have left my outer guestroom unlocked. So I go there and crash after unsuccessfully attempting to break into the house.
• next day: Daniel V. from Sweden walks around the tiny ledge like it was the easiest thing, and gets into the house to unlock it.

Lance, Boracay can be fun…. its even better when you buy the food and booze! I’ve left a lot out of this story…. lots. like the part of me crawling uphill in the hillside flood zone to get home.

Ya know, theres been so much drama this past week, I’m gonna turn off the SEO entry for this one. But sure enough, I’m still not going to list the details here. In the US, we call that “Pleading the 5th”. Or drinking a 5th….or something that somehow connects alcohol and legal issues…..

Well, the nice weather is gone and the sun came back out yesterday, after raining for almost a week. That creates humidity. OK class, all together now lets pronounce humidity….” DAYMN!” I can see how the different pronunciations might be confusing…in in the mother tongue of fat-crackerese, DAYMN! said loudly is a valid expression of painful humidity.

Lets see…

• I found out my cell phone is jacked up. It sends messages out to people not intended. The clicky sound for the camera also stopped.
• I have been drinking myself stupid recently, worse than normal and I hit black-out drive before 10pm last night.
• I used FaceBook to find a long-lost best friend I had back in the Army.
• I am single again and could sell my sheets to a sperm clinic.
• I found out that I can pack everything I need into 2 bags and a backpack…not bad considering my scuba stuff is in there too.
• I also found out that I can swim in stormy water at 05:30am using a mask with no strap.
• I got my visa renewed, late as usual.
• I found out that I have been here so long that they will not let me leave when I want. I am required to now pay 500 pesos for paperwork a week before and another 1400 pesos at the immigration office in the airport. So, if theres an impending death in the family, basically I’m screwed. Thanks for visiting the Philippines and spending more money than my family makes in a year!…oh and be sure to leave your wallet on the way out. Bye now!
• I have had the feeling of hair-in-the-back-of-my-throat for a solid week now.
• I shaved my head back down; sweating in that mop was not doing me any good.
• I accidentally sent a few hundred emails to people by mixing up the merge of gmail addy books and adding people to Yahoo messenger.
• I had a deep conversation with a guy who spent 5 months in a mental wing of Philippines prison last year…then agreed to have him teach me some diving specialties.
• I cleaned the house spotless last week; now it looks pretty unsanitary.
• I spent way too much money this past week.
• I am going stircrazy on this island. I dont want to dive. I don’t want to see the same people over and over. I dont like tourists anymore. Nothing blows up here. I need to get back to work just to have something to do.
• We have had more and more power outages.
• A big part of Boracay island was without water yesterday. Apparently one of the suppliers were low on supply so they sent people to sneak out and turn off the lines to certain areas so the ‘big guys’ could have water. Small businesses, residential, public…no water. Resorts and spas and anyplace with a swimming pool - lots of water. I watched the guys fan out to turn it back on later. They denied doing it even as about 20 of us watched them. While the denial words were coming out of their mouth, they were kicking sand back over the access cover so it wouldn’t look disturbed.
• I got heartburn last night for the 1st time in months.
• Got a sunburn on my head, neck, and shoulders.
• Looks like I’m losing weight again.

As I type this, leaning on my bed, I look around and cant stand the sight of the inside of this house anymore but really dont want to got be around any one else either. That means I have to wear clothes. On the brighter side, I have a new outlook on finding a better quality of female companion. Not that this will actually happen, but hey, its a start.