Homeless Diver

A few nights ago, I ate at Red Pirates for their Friday night all-u-can-eat buffet for 200 pesos, and that food was good! Tons and tons of BBQ skewers of beef and chicken (or was pork one of them?), some large grilled tilapia fish, a potato salad, a spinich/vinegar salad, a chef salad, rice, etc… man, it was good!

We sat at the front table with Jaqi, Rod, Declan, and one of the new kittehs that only wanted to snoop on the plates but not eat anything. After 2 plates, I was stuffed and ended up laying down on the bench for a while. A few times ther were camera flashes as people took pics of the kitten sleepng on top of me ..  I still gota get copies of those.

It was a nice and relaxing night on Boracay with perfect weather of a cool breeze coming in from the sea. There was so much food left over, they were trying to get people to take plates of BBQ home with them.

I’m back in Manila after a long bus ride and its been raining this afternoon. I was hanging out with some local friends and finally broke down to eat with my fingers….something I swore I would never do. These people are just way too cool and fun to be around. Lunch was BBQ whole fish, pork chops, rice, veggie mix, grilled eggplant, avocado slices, salted shrimp paste (didnt try), and…I think that was it. - served on 2 large banana palm leaves covering the table. I was the only one with a plate and fork/spoon. Everyone else plopped it down in front of them and dug in, so I did likewise (but with a plate still) with my fingers. I guess I was looking awkward because I was instructed on how to properly ‘push’ the food from hand to mouth - and that shit works!

I’ve always had this phobia of eating whole non-gutted fish with head, tail, skin, and scales on it. But honestly, its easy as hell. I enjoyed the whole lunch!

I swear, I must have a new tapeworm because I’m friggin starving!

No joke, I am hungry as hell and I NEVER get hungry. I like to eat….a lot. I enjoy it possibly more than sex. I mean, I reaaaaaly like to eat. I can eat a lot at a single sitting but dont usually eat at single sittings (or in public for that matter). I tend to eat small dishes all day long and then a huge meal (in private) before passing out for the night. Thats me.

But I never get hungry. Never. Ever.

I can go a day or 2 without food and all is well, a bit of crankiness at most - but never hunger. Never that ‘empty stomach’ feeling or the growling. I had forgotten what its like until a few days ago. I was cooking some beef a week ago and all was good. Then 3 days ago, it was something labeled as pork tenderloin from BudgetMart. I dunno what it really is, but its always a safe and easy cook. I ate 2 of those with some chips and booze. Next morning, I was hungry so I cooked/ate another 2 throughout the day. Yesterday, jeeze I was hungry! So I ate a 12 inch daMarios pizza House (combo), 2 bags of chips, an order of fried calamaris, and half of one of their huge blocks of lasagna. It completely fills a take-out container.

At 8pm, I was hungry again damnit! So I had 4 BBQ skewers at Red Pirates (cooked to perfection by Rollhie).

And was hungry again at 2am when I was in Cocomangas and Gullies. I picked up 10 friggin pieces of fried chicken from Andoks. EWWWWWW…..ya, I know -nasty place. Unhealthy as hell but tastes good after a night of boozin’.

So this morning?  DAYMN I was starved! WTF?!?!? I ate more food in the last 3 nights than I usually eat in a week, but still have audible grumbles from my non-intestinal nether regions. What to do…..what to do…..oh, guess I’ll eat some of this leftover Andoks.

I’m not saying I have a tapeworm or anything, but hell, what is causing this? I have been losing weight though….

I dont really remember when I started but it was around 04:30 when I woke up and left for Isla Baila, which is still closed for construction, which is OK because I had a tab there. So heck, now I’m just gonna have to bar-hop my way down the beach to all those tiny hotel bars that never close - usually the Korean places. Then I moved on to the Bamboo Lounge (one of a dozen places called Bamboo) because it’s 24′hrs and a last stop for the night owls.

I ordered the usual drinks and also some chicken wings and  onion rings - booze munchies. 30 minutes later, they come out to tell me they dont have this…30 minutes after I had ordered it. Crap. OK, so what can they do? They say they can take out a frozen chicken, chop and fry. Cool. This food comes out another 45 minutes later looking distinctly like it had been choppidy-chopped randomly whilst still frozen.

Next stop, Blue Mango where I drop some stuff in a locker and commence to swimming. A few hours later I’m in Red Pirates dripping all over the place and having a few handfuls of morning drinks. Back to Blue Mango to settle a tab and slide over to Cocolocos for some redbull vodkas. Back to Blue Mango for more drinks.

Thess was packing up for the low season and invited a few people over for a ‘few’ drinks. This might not have been the best idea of the day. Shes cool as hell and the best bartender you will ever find. Great friend. But still….inviting us never ends sublimely.

Now its off to Arwanas for drinking on the roof.  I have no idea why, but the kitchen downstairs decided to close at - - wait for it - - - 2:30 in the afternoon! It’s got an independent management and tends to close during the low points of the day rather than wait for the evening rush…. So we order some Smokes (yes, thats the name of the resto).

There was an Aussie, 2 Brits, 4 Americans (1 chick), 3 Filipinas, and for a few minutes…a few watch/jewelry vendors. Other people came and went for a little while, all of them we knew.  There was yelling from the balcony. There were drinking games like guessing ‘boxers, briefs or nothing’ for each of the group. Wrong guesses involved a shot of Tanduay - which is not meant to be done in shots. It needs something to mask th taste.

The Vendors, we got 2 of them to do shots. Their boss was with em’ and told them to go-ahead. They thought we were gonna buy some watches if they shot the booze - we bought no watches after they did the shots. As they walked down, it dawned on me what kind of headdress they had on and the patch on the vest: Muslim Vendors Association.  BWHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!  I like that, people not too tied up in ones religion to take time out for a small bit of rum. I saw them today down near Tourist Center. They were laughing and pointing at me saying “No watches today sir! Tanduay time!” ; they all laughed that internal kind of laugh you get from Mexican police when you demand your phone call. I’m sure it was sarcastic but hell, it was still funny.

Anyway, back to last night: I remember the food arriving in the daylight. I remember a dude and chick going swimming. I remember someone commenting “I promise, I wont shag ya in the shower - if I do then I’ll give ya all 10,000 pesos from me pocket”. I remember her running down the sidewalk, full tilt, to her room and him trotting off behind her leisurely. I remember making a comment to a Brit about how apparently his town in England didn’t have any dental plans. I remember leaving…and getting home to find the power out. I remember trying to fight a dog - yelling at full volume that I was gonna kill it if it barked one more time. The landlord came to calm me down and had the owners take the dog around the other side of the house (they didnt speak english it seems).

Thats all I remember of yesterday. There are some rather large blocks of time missing.

Someone woke me up about midnight…and thankfully the power was back on. I asked what time did we get back?”, She replied “around 7″.  I was blacked out before 7pm..that might be a new record for me. I slept from 7pm to midnight…then from 1am to 1:30pm………..wow.

Illness and food poisoning will not stop this meat-eater from getting some good chow.

I finally hobbled my way to BudgetMart last night for some real food. Monterey Meats changed companies and phone numbers to “Carne Bora” , but not employees, so I couldnt get anything delivered here.

• 21:30: I point at the huge hunk of beef in the display and declare my intent to get the whole damn thing. This confuses the guy so I said “the whole damn thing”. Also get apple juice and milk, frozen chicken, frozen pork tender loin, and bacon. Healthy stuff.
• 22:00: Make a drink of Tanduay in the kitchen but drink the entire liter carton of apple juice instead…then I drink the rum.
• 22:30: Cut the entire chunk-o-beef and marinade - only cook half. Drink more Tanduay.
• 23:00: Eating dead cow with lots of cayenne and Tanduay. Drink some of the milk.
• 24:00: My ‘cousin’ comes over and ask to turn on the aircon, says its hot. I decline. She doesnt like the spicy flesh of Mr. Moo. I drink more Tanduay and then some milk whilst attempting to do some college courses…I’m loosing interest in continuing my higher education. I remember that Cialis is a 3-day drug and put this to good use.
• 04:00: she tries turning on the aircon again, doesn’t happen but now that I’m awake, its time to build more international relations.
• 04:45: Treatise discussions are broken off as I rush to make a donation to porcelain disposal. Come back and she tells me I’m burning up…which is odd because I’m freezing and the aircon is off.
• 05:00 - 07:30: Multiple trips for Class I download. I can understand the Montezuma’s revenge as coming from a liter of milk, a liter of apple juice, and 2 kilos of really spicy beef. But I have no idea where the fever came from and why I’m laying in bed literally shivering while present company is visibly sweating lightly.
• 07:30: I wake up to turn on the aircon for just a tad, sitting in the chair for 20 minutes and turn it of before going back to bed. Shes happy now.
• 07:30- 16:30 I sleep deply, all day long. Aircon is still off and I’m actually hot now - time to turn it on. O’hai Mr Cialis, you’re still with me I see! Aircon proves to be a good idea.
• 17:00 - 18:15: Sleep like a baby, but not feverish this time..leaves the aircon on.

I cant believe I slept that long. The food thing was easy to ID because of the timing and duration and other qualities not mentioned here. But the fever of that intensity coming on so fast and only for 12 hours? I doubt it was the food.

UPDATE: whoops, not everyone had power restored like I had said earlier. I went down to Red Pirates and sure enough, they were still without. Several bars/resorts along the southern end of White Beach didnt have power still…guess I was lucky. As far as I can tell now, everyone seems to have it restored. Honestly, I have no idea why I have it or even internet considering all the cables are under the remaining fallen palm tree.

I was going to post this on Yahoo Answers but screw em…its mine!

Heres the scoop:

Cell phone: Globe came on this morning, Smart has been stable for the past day. “Sun” is still showing up in the networks although no-one knows what that is…possibly some private venture someone let out of the bag during the emergency.

Land lines: the land-line phones are PLDC and never went down as far as I can tell. I have heard them ringing in houses even when the power was off and no generators connected…dont ask me, I profess ignorance on how that happened.

Electricity: Went down sometime early friday am, came back yesterday (Tuesday) about 5pm. Many resorts have generators but it was obvious that fuel was getting in short supply after a few days so usage was rationed to foodservice areas and rooms at night.  Sometimes. A great many places have no form of generators like Red Pirates bar, but that did not stop it from being full of patrons until early in the morning. I do not have generator access either, it sucked.—UPDATE—Seems like several places did not have electricity. I just assumed I would be one of the last ones to get it restored. I noticed Red Pirated was still out lastnight and gave Joey and Jen a good ribbing about it…Sorry guys!

Beaches: water came high on all beaches. Tambaasan is where the boats went to drydock but the water came all the way to the palm line and smashed a lot to bits. one person died the first day by trying to line a boat when he was smashed between it and another. I can get some pictures of this and post them. All the resorts have done an excellent job of cleaning up their respective areas. Even the kids scrounging for recyclable stuff to sell have made a windfall of this.

My Balcony: I have been thinking of chopping down a few recently overgrown banana and coconut palms that grew to obstructing my view of the sea.  Now I don’t have to, the exact ones blew down!  I have my view back!

Fuel: was in low supply. Rationing was enacted voluntarily because people were afraid they couldnt get it. The only formal gas station, Shell, refused to sell to people with jugs knowing that it was resorts getting the fuel and not for motor transport.–UPDATE—several people told me this was not accurate. Others told me this happened to them personally. I can only assume it was hit-n-miss for different people.

Water - household: BWSS ( or whatever its called now) was out for several days. There are conspiracy stories going around about how they selectivly shut off water to all but the highest bidders…this will prove devistation if true. Right now, its just a rumor because certain high-end places DID keep water while residential areas were without (smaller resorts as well). The Tubi water system was only out for a day and then only to certain areas. It was really low pressure for a few days so we all filled every spare bucket and container we had. This is all speculation and I’m sure everyone will deny it happened either way.

Food: never an issue except for those clueless people like myself that had only an electric burner…not a gas tank burner. Cooking is kinda hard. But food was never in short supply and yes, the stores were always open. They did keep the doors closed but hey, its a friggin typhoon! Just knock!.

Booze: Never a shortage of that on Boracay.

Flooding: a few nights everything was flooded. D’Mall wetmarket was about 10 inches deep. Back alleys were much worse. Main road between Station 1 and 2 were so deep that motor bikes couldnt get thru at one point… the water was halfway between the wheel axle and the upper section of tire!  Some areas, you simply couldnt see the road, sidewalks, dirt, nothing…just where the water met the buildings.

Clubs: one night, everything along the beachside closed. I found out why - sandblasting wind and crap falling off palms left and right. It was physically impossible for me to see where I was walking. I HAD to put my hand infront of my eyes to keep the horizontal onslaught from hurting. Over and over, I would run into other drunks just as stupid as myself to be walking along White Beach in the middle of a typhoon just as the inner wall was near us at night.

Cocomangas - you guys are troopers! Never once did they stop partying and on top of that, made some SPECTACULAR pizza! John, Scott, Chico, Sean, and staff…..you guys know how to keep it alive!

I should get paid for the amount of irresponsibility that exudes from my very essence.

I was taking an easy day, so I thought. Nothing in the house that I cared to eat but I hadn’t been to the ATM in a while and 40 pesos wasnt getting me anything near here. Buuuutttt, there is CocoLocos, a bar that also has a full menu and does take-out orders! They also let me run a tab there…..we have a winner! Times like these, I fall in love with Boracay.

So thats how it started but first, a stop in Red Pirates. Two hours later I’m in Blue Mango drinking with friends. Then finally to CocoLoco’s and order some food…with drinks while waiting of course. Then its back to Mango and I put the food in the cooler while drinking some more. Then its of to Juice bar with a bunch of friends. Meet a lot more friends while there. Bar closes, and we manage to go into a different closed bar…it helps when you have the keys to these things. Even more friends. The gods are smiling on me this night. Sometime around 8am, I make it back to Blue Mango to pick up my dinner.

All I meant to do was walk down and pick up some take-out and come right back home.