Homeless Diver

No names, to respect their privacy. If you know one of them, you likely also know the other. Both are cool cats in my book. Their ex-girlfriends are also super cool.. I hope I can remain friends with them all.

think about it:

theres 2 guys, strangers with each other.

• both are American
• both find themselves at a point of not being gainfully employed
• both decide to trip thru SE Asia during this point and look for something new
• both hear talk of Boracay from friends sometime around this point
• both decide to goto Boracay on a whim (more or less)
• they meet each other (on Boracay) thru their shared interest in diving
• they both meet their future girlfriends on Boracay from hanging around diveshops
• both girls seem to be perfect matches for the guys
• both of the girls are tourists
• both of the girls are divers
• both of the girls leave the island and come back to be girlfriend material
• both guys get new jobs in the education sector
• both jobs are in foreign countries
• both girlfriends actually move with the guys to the foreign country

—–both guys list themselves as ’single’ again on the same day on facebook.

I mean, think about it.

• Almost every night is a saturday night.
• Someone is always coming up with a reason to have an event…and when they dont have one, they just invite Marlboro to throw a 4-day-bash.
• Holy Week (Easter) is the most un-holy time around here.
• Parties.
• Booze. Theres so many bars here that it would be impossible to drink a single beer in every one in a stroll from one end to the other.
• You dont have to worry about finding new friends - fresh arrivals every day!
• Lots of people looking for that ‘vacation fling’, then they leave and another one comes along. <<sweeeeet>>>
• Excellent diving
• Warm water
• Beautiful Filipinas
• huge variety of food within a 3 minute walk of anywhere
• kick-ass typhoon seasons
• Muslim Vendors Association - I mean, ya gotta give it up for people so devout they’ll break religious vows and do shots of Tanduay Rum in hopes of selling you counterfeit watches and pirated DVD’s
• a fairly close knit group of residents. It can cause problems sometimes since the isle is so small, but it makes for good friends.
• rumors - everyone here loves them. If you farted while bending over to pickup a coin, it’ll be spread around to say that you walked to the waterline, dropped trau, and had projectile diarrhea into the sea in broad daylight with tourists watching.
• By the same token, you can start your own nonsense rumors just for kicks.
• did I mention booze?

Supposedly there was another typhoon through here but it never so much as raised the winds.

Only a few more weeks and I’m outta this house. Damn thing’s falling apart and the landlord stops speaking english every time I tried mentioning it. SO screw him, I quit telling him and will just quietly move out a few weeks early and let him deal with an entire foundation issue he could have fixed 2 months ago with bolting.

It’ll be nice to be back down on the beach for a while. No more chickens/roosters squawking all day and night. It’s Boracay… not a farm. No more 20 minutes sounds of pigs in their slaughtering death throes.  No more screeching old lady sounds from downstairs. No more dogs barking all night. No more random animal-poop on the porch. No more nosey neighbors. No more trudging uphill in the dark thru the jungle and mud. No more bullshit rumor mill about who’s fucking who and where has so-and-so gone?”. Finally… some privacy.

And back to being within 10 meters of the water from my front door… A door that opens on the beach.

For a long time now, I have avoided all conversations about politics. No two people think the same way and generally consider themselves to be right, so when confronted with a person that thinks differently (and also thinks they’re right) you end up with a long conversation that’s 1. not entertaining, 2. not enjoyable, 3. noneducational, and 4. you’re always in a slightly sour mood afterward.

That’s no fun.

Whats worse is that so many people want to talk about American politics.

I had a conversation with a Canadian girl last night… I should have (more…)

Here’s a sample of the phone texts I’ve received in the past week or two… none of them relate to each other and come from different people:

• Meaningless sexual encounters BEEN THERE DONE THAT. i think thats partly d reason y ive felt so empty. What do u say we elope? lets go far far far away!
• Helo jd..This is ann of <deleted>..Can we have some payments from ur credit?..We just need to pay our water bil tomorow..
• Oh yes im mad all right. Fuming mad.
• Genetic defects from inbreeding seems the most likely.
• 4 mongolian whores just tried to shanghai me in shanghai. Blackout a trip in oct.
• They probably buried the baby. They don’t cremate here.
• We agree <deleted>’s whole “engagement” thing is a cover?
• By the way this is joy friend of judith.u still remember me’.
• She deserved it. You warned her! She slept at Pi last night she was so wasted. Passed out on the floor so we put her on the bench.

Random pic of the day, yes, this was really in the bathroom:

You would not believe the retarded crap I have to take these days, just when it was going so well. I’ve lived on Boracay for over a year and I’m still getting mistaken for my departed roommate thats been gone for a month now. They see me out and think I’m him.

I’m getting texts about it: “why doesnt he answer?, can you ask him?” well, close but reduce it to tagalish text-speak. Come on people, we dont look THAT much alike. Arm tats and shaved head, thats all.

It’s 5am and I’m finally not hungover from 2 days ago. About damn time.

There is no such thing as privacy on Boracay. It doesn’t matter if you need it or not…every fucking person on this shit hole talks about shit they have no clue about. Ever play the circle-talk-rumor- game? 1st person starts with a sentence and each person whispers it into the ear of the person on their side - until it gets back to the original person. Almost always, in non-institutional areas (military, jail) the idea becomes garbled and different from the original….thus making a false rumor. But here on Boracay, its like the 1st person exclaiming there is no wind….but the second person relays a 20 minute speech on the evils of pull-tab soda cans.

Exactly! It has nothing to do with the truth and only took 1 person. Imagine when its like that thru 200 such people? To that end, it is NOT true that what happens on Boracay, stays on Boracay…or even shit that didn’t happen.

Example: I was in Manila recently and a lot of the Boracay group gathered for one last night-out with a month-long visitor. I arrived with her and nothing more. I did not sit next to her. I did not chill with her. Little conversation, very little. I did not buy her drinks. A person could have stared at me all night and never have any reason to think we were a couple or even friends. It was a group with about 15 eople.

But I come back to Boracay and this bartender (that I hardly see) congratulates me on getting engaged with my manila girlfriend. ———— What the Fuck!?!?!

He clamms up and acts like he doesnt speak english anymore. But it didnt stop there. Several girls found out about me being back and started texting.  A few mentioned my Manila girlfriend. I ignored it until the bartender had mentioned it. Then, last night, I got a text from a girl about my girlfriend in Manila. I have to go thru 15 text messages and she still wont tell me what the hell she’s talking about….. then I remember ……. she was there in Hard Rock cafe that night in Manila. She’s also the ONLY person in that group that lives on Boracay now aside from myself. She was the guest of another person in the group…yea <no name> you know who I’m talking about.

Enlightenment dawns on me… but still, the shit just got real. It was bad enough to find a lot of my friends thinking I was a transvestite during my absence, (must be a pretty damn poor one), but now this HO simply saw me walk into a Manila bar within a few minutes of a Manila girl, and nothing else, but decided to open her cock-holster to tell people on Boracay who-knows-what that ends up with me being engaged to the girlfriend of one of my buddies? What The Holy FUCK, over?

Now, as I’m writing this I was also texting a good friend on mine. She tells me that someone had told her I was admittedly gay - WAAAY back in the day..probably in September or November last year. Fucking great. Just fucking great. This island is full of people that spread rumor and lies like it was free candy…wildfire!…but god damn if this shit has been said about me for the past year and I’m just now finding out.

I give official notice: I will never trust a single mother fucker on this island again. I will assume you are lying to my face. Expat or local, doesnt matter. If you see me smile then rest assured that I’m thinking of how nice it would be to see you at your own funeral. Fuck you.